Here is the latest development of things.  The mishap with my pdoc simply mentioning that the time of day I was taking certain meds, which ended in nearly two weeks of readjustment taking place, has nearly ended.  Well, not really.  It hit a climax today.  I missed my all-day library class today as a result of my sleep still not  being normal.  The other element of normality that got severely disrupted this past week was my appetite was derailed.  From a tri-complex of depression brought on by disrupted sleep, thoughts of friendship-abandonment, and not enough money to buy a decent meal each day I did not eat properly this week.  Today is the first day that I have had two consecutive meals and to tell you the truth, I don’t see the upcoming week being much better.  The goddamned meds, they are so much more trouble than they are help, I swear.

So I have to write another letter to the pdoc.  I swear, it is the only thing that gets any movement out of him. I am scheduled to see him on Thursday this week.  I will post the letter at STRINGIER THAN THE TRUTH

The good news I have to tell you about tonight is that I got a call-back from the Eugene O’Neill Foundation Library.  I had a phone interview and they say I am the most qualified applicant that they are interested in.  I go in for my real interview on October 11.  The first project they have for me to work on is scanning actual, handwritten letters of O’Neill’s with OCR software.  This is amazing!  I don’t know how many hours a week they will want me to work but I am actually a little scared about this, about what obsession this my begin for me.

In this past weeks depression, there were two days that the weather played part and I was reminded of elements of my depression from last year.  A very strong cold front blew in off the Pacific Ocean.  After all the heat waves we have had this summer, this sudden, one day 20 degree drop in temperature and the cloud cover and winds it brought was chilling.  It also made me want to stay inside.  Mind you though, the extreme heat of the summer makes me want to stay inside too, but the cold and gloom makes me cower for some reason and I retreat inwards cowardly and lose energy and a living sense of hope.  Wow, I feel like I just touched on a fact that depression is a living thing and other living things like the weather and other people’s emotions can feed my depression.  I mean I know that is true about other’s emotions.  I am a real slave to that, an especial case is how I feel subject to the emotions of those I live with. 

Anyway, back to O’Neill.  I’ve been dwelling on O’Neill’s ghost as a character of my novel for nearly two years now.  I sit in the town cemetery and stare at his house across the valley (exactly a mile away – I measured it!)  Now?  I will be permitted to enter the property (it is owned by the U.S. Government) to work as a volunteer and to handle his own personal letters.  Not only do I scan the letters using the OCR software, but I will need to read the letters and make corrections to errors that the OCR (optical character recognition) makes.  I will have to have to disguise my fascination with O’Neill from those that I work with, to some degree at least.

Ok, winter darkness, exposure to the spirit of a dead author that wrote his greatest works on the very grounds that I will be working at, a pdoc that can’t treat his poor patient properly if his life depended on it…  pray for me.

(This is a picture that I took of myself inside Eugene O'Neill's office when I took a tour of the Tao House property earlier this spring on one of the last rainy days of the year.  That other man in the room is looking out of the upper corner window shown in the black and white photo shown below.  The desk beside me is where O'Neill wrote his last, greatest plays.)

It's good to see your still among the living. I'm happy you got a light of good news in all the bad.
I think we all tend to fixate on things, every once in awhile. bb

hiya there Daryl. Random question do you actually speak portuguese? well i do.:P

i sure hope you get this job
and heck, do you ever get the feeling if you were away from everyone and their crap, things could be a bit BIT better?

cuz i totally relate to how people's mood affect MY mood. except they do NOT get anywhere near as depressed as i do:P

Congrats on your hopeful new project! Thanks for the address to your new website - I didn't think you were boring, I just thought you didn't like to open up and talk and wanted to support you with any snippet you gave me. :-)

You posted this on your other blog - about sitting in the cemetery. Why do you do this? I'm only curious. Cemeteries have been something that draws me towards them too, but I would be afraid someone would see me. How do you do it? And you do it at night too, right?

Sarah, eu falo somente algum português. eu aprendi-o na vizinhança onde eu cresci acima. agradecimentos para a leitura imóvel meu blog. é você bom? ;)

welcome to the inner world of the darko, Sunflower! i've bipolared blogged for a couple of years now, and well, last year my writing was so candid that it got to be popular and i deleted the whole thing. and now there are just some people that i don't want to read it, so i am trying to hide it a little.

re: sitting in the cemetery, well, it is something that i have done for a very long time - since i was a child. but now it has become an obsession of a sort. yes, i do it mainly at night. one realization i had recently is that the darkness and quiet of the cemetery at night simulates the stillnes that i used to experience sitting in the ashram when i used to meditate (years ago). also, these people buried in this cemetery, i want to get feelings from them... a tool for the writing of my novel.

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