- Mood: upbeat, yeah...
- Music: still on a bit of a Dylan buzz, but LOTS of other things too...
What is wrong with my writing right now: an essay by D.W. Barnett
I would say that the thing most obvious to myself that is wrong with my ability to write consistently right now are the facts that I am not truly connected to my inner spirit. And even now as I read those words that I just wrote, while trying to find an answer that sounds more like an excuse than a truth. Although I think back to periods of time, even when I was in the inspired stages of creating this very novel that I am working on now when I experienced daily epiphanies of discovery and powerful feelings of self worth because it all seemed to be “coming together”. Times when I was both strongly inspired and was feeling physically healthy. (Don’t mind matters of feeling mentally well other than not being in incapacitating depression. Mania so rarely destroys me. Depression is my slayer.)
I enjoy so much being back able to work now. If there were a wage attached to it, that would be nice, but I don’t know that I am just ready for that level of responsibility yet. Right now I am only obligated to appear at work 4 hours a week. The job that is available to me would require my attendance 10-15 hours a week, during hours that right now would be very difficult for me to adjust my sleep routine to. I think once I clean these meds out of my system some I may start to experience a more normal need for sleep, and may be able to sleep more normal hours. Last night I was dead asleep by 1am but today could not stir from that deadly sleep until noon. That is bad! And then I feel like a zombie for a few hours… couldn’t even get out of the house till nearly 4pm this afternoon.
This has been my pattern for months now, and tomorrow is the last day of Daylight Savings Time. I’ve been mentioning the approach of this for a couple of weeks now because for me it is a serious thing. The immediate shortness of day light is a sort of impending doom that I have no protection from. Last winter my depression got bad once the storms started to blow in. I love the stormy season for its moodiness but it ends up making me more of a hermit. If I don’t feel good to start with physically the darkness, I don’t know, it seems to seep into me and bleeds me out from inside.
I think part of what allows me to give myself excuses about not writing 2,000 to 5,000 words a day to just pour this novel out (and see, there I’ve broken another rule of “novel writing”, you are not supposed to tell anyone that you are writing a novel. You are just supposed to do it, damn it!) is that I confusedly carry this “novel” as a torch to make people think that I have something important in my life to work on. What I want to say I am lacking right now is a “writing coach”, like Kim was for me when I was working on my Buffy thesis. I reported to her weekly. She reserved 20-30 minutes on Sunday evenings to talk to me, or well, to let me rant about how my research and writing was going. To bounce ideas off her and let her know what problems I was having, if any. She was not my academic advisor but she was a friend that liked me and cared so much that I succeeded. As things ended up with that project, my actual academic advisor paid me little or no attention and failed my thesis.
Today I have one true friend that encourages me on a daily basis to be enthused about my writing and to pursue this project, and I am so thankful for her. But she is far away and only one person. Although, I do admit that she believes in me more than anyone else ever has. Re: the idea of enlisting more supporters, I think that… hmmm, I’m not sure what I actually understand about this. I kind of have a theory, damn, well this whole post has been a theory of a sort, and see, now while I’m writing all these thoughts out I’m not writing ‘my novel’ either… I think I need a little mania to help me get more excited and focused, and right now my mania is deadened by these pills. And my good physical feelings are deadened…
I have one other writing support, my cousin Ellen that also lives far away. We have a strengthening connection in spirit and communicate by email only. There is so much electronic/ethereal support available on the internet. I need to be in contact with people, real life, blood and flesh, air and water intaking people. And well, by gummit, I think I’ve found one person to welcome into my life. Don’t want to say anymore about this yet but already this person is willing to go sight unseen with me to a writer’s workshop in San Francisco on Sunday! She’s a poet. (And ohmygod! She is into seeing live goth-metal shows!!)
Ok, well by talking to you this way I’ve actually reconnected with my spirit a bit. Some fog has cleared, There is a fearful thing about writing something you consider serious for permanence to be in a book. Once you allow your thoughts to go one way, and you follow that path, the story is set. It can’t be told a different way. It takes courage to allow a story to be pressed into a page. I let this letter to you flow honestly from my heart and spirit to your eyes… I need to find that openness of spirit again to trust my story to blank pages…
To be continued…
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